NINTENDO'S SUPER MARIO BROTHERS

1.0/10 - Unplayable!
by nintendont64

Before I say anything else, let me just put it out there that I’m a HUUUUGE Nintendo Fanboy. I love Shigeru Miyazaki’s other games, from WII MUSIC to SONIC THE HEDGEHOG to all those games where you play as ZELDA - but somehow I had never sat down and played the game that started it all, SMB. All over reddit I’ve heard people saying, “You’ve gotta play SMB! It’s a masterpiece!” How come? “Because it’s the game that started it all!” everyone shouts, “It’s the best game of all time!” BEST AT WHAT? SUCKING?!! It’s a “platformer” that has zero story, crappy controls (you can only move four directions!), graphics that look like they’re from the mezzozoic era, and then there are the inexplicable WARP ZONES (FYI - “warp zone” is just technobabble for, “cheating the player out of getting to play the whole game!”) And what’s with all the mushroom symbology? This is just the programmers taking a JAB at gamers who they must see as a bunch of stoner deadbeats. Somebody oughta tell those game designers off! And have you played any of the other SUPER MARIO GAMES? THEY’RE NO BETTER. They all have the same fat plumbers running around in overalls trying to get peaches or something! Why aren’t they just content with their mushrooms?! I still gave it a single point though because at least this Mario game led to the awesome MARIO PARTY series of games. Play those, but don’t listen to anybody who says you have to play this “classic.” Just know that this is the only honest review of SMB on the entire internet - you can thank me later.

(the movie this game is based on is one million times better)

Schlotzsky's and Spoilers

Time for an update on my bad habits.

The Schlotzsky's pastrami and swiss on rye is not as wonderful as I remember it being from back in the day. Did you know they have a drive-thru? There's something special about the sponginess of Schlotzsky's bread, but the sandwich overall was a bit bland.

Kevin Smith, though. This man is anything but bland. His show on Hulu Plus, Spoilers, is a lot of fun, expanding on the director/fan repertoire Smith has established through other forums. From the fan discussions of movies to the "sponsored by" Criterion Lounge moments where Smith talks about a movie of the day from the Criterion Collection, the show is laid-back and enjoyable. But, most of all, Smith's chats with other folk in the movie business are illuminating and, for me, the main draw of the show. Take his interview with Damon Lindelof, for example. Despite my dislike for Lindelof's hokey mysteries in LOST, what I assume must have been his idea to blow up the planet Vulcan in the Star Trek reboot, and his many plot-holes and desperate stabs at profundity in Prometheus, his chat with Kevin Smith allowed to to appreciate what he did accomplish as a writer in those instances. With LOST, Lindelof helped Abrams to turn a studio joke project (the dramatized version of Survivor) into the most intriguing show on television... for a time, until its beautiful mystery boxes turned out to be empty. With Prometheus, Lindelof turned Jon Spaight's script from a straight prequel to Alien with Aliens-style action (and no potential surprises to be found since the audience has presumably seen Alien) into a potential new franchise containing unfamiliar elements... albeit one we didn't really need. There is, however, no good reason given for the destruction of Vulcan. Because there isn't one.

Holy Granola, Batman!

So, Granola. So good. So crunchy. I typically put a little soy milk over top and maybe throw in a few berries, usually the blue kind. Why granola and Batman? No reason, unless you decide to eat some while reading Grant Morrison's Batman Incorporated, which you should - just be careful not spill on your comic.

However, you'll have to wait til Aug. 22 to pick up the new issue, which was delayed due to the tragedy of the Aurora shooting and what artist Chris Burnham called, "a specific scene that made DC and the whole bat-team say 'Yikes,' too close for comfort."

Grant Morrison is, of course, an A-list comic book writer, though Batman Incorporated is unabashedly pulpy and nostalgic for past eras of The Batman. Yet, for me, this is one of the greatest attributes the comic has going for it, not to mention Burnham's great artwork, which is reminiscent of Frank Quitely's work with Morrison on Batman & Robin. That is by no means a bad thing, and Burnham sets himself apart from Quitely, reminding me on occasion of a toned-down Geoff Darrow. The story starts out focusing on Bruce Wayne's project of corporatizing the idea of the Batman as a world-wide security force, but the more recent issues have narrowed the plot from its large cast of every former-Robin, sidekick, and Batman spin-off character, down to Bruce's immediate family. And it's a blast.

Speaking of pulpiness, I really enjoyed The Dark Knight Rises. Enough to see it twice, though the second viewing suffered from some diminishing returns. Alex Vo over at Rotten Tomatoes gives a review which more or less sums up my own feelings about the movie:

"This is one pulpy movie. Not campy, mind you. The Dark Knight aimed to button the superhero down to reality, but TDKR functions on a grander physical scale. It embraces the outsized comic elements, things like a nuclear bomb plot, a gassy masked villain, and a man who is snapped in two, spending months in the desert to discover his power again. These things are believable, but not particularly realistic (in contrast to TDK being both at the same time). In doing so, the film exits our world and begins to operate on a mythical level. It's really quite easy to escape into this movie. "

Despite my enjoyment of the film, it's badly flawed in a number of ways. This has been clearly pointed out to me by many friends and reviewers over the last week since the film was released. It can be downright dumb, full of plot-holes, and pandering - to the detriment of its very message. This is why I would slightly amend Neil Gaiman's assessment that, "I preferred the last movie, but this is a better Batman movie, and, I suspect, a better film." It seems more accurate to say that The Dark Knight was a better film overall, but The Dark Knight Rises is indeed the better BATMAN film. Whereas Nolan previously made the Batman universe his own, this time around he makes concessions to the mythic quality of the Batman stories. The movie ultimately succeeds for a number of reasons in addition to this. The film's opening sequence (much like The Dark Knight's opening heist scene) is flawless and riveting, while the movie improves upon the comic version of Bane to create a character who is more intriguing and menacing. Also, interestingly enough, the film's big twist/reveal relates quite nicely to the events occurring in Batman Incorporated. The shooting at the midnight premiere of the film in Aurora makes the film's questioning of the necessary evil of violence in the quest for justice resonate all the more. Though not one of the best films released this year, it is bound to be remembered as the most culturally significant.

Next Time, Maybe:
Steed & Mrs. Peel (another helping of Grant Morrison)
and/or
Some sort of home-cooked meal
and/or
The end of RASL (in stores August 1st)

RASL

As Jeff Smith's follow up to BONE nears its final issue, I think it's appropriate to post a little something about the limited-run comic series RASL (available at www.boneville.com)

The neo-noir tale of a scientist turned art thief who travels through multiple universes in order to counter the government manipulation of his scientific discoveries, RASL is a rad concept which ultimately comes across as meandering. Whereas the early issues of BONE profited from slowly revealing new characters and plot points while serving up punchlines at a steady rate, RASL seems to suffer from the same problems that BONE did toward the end of the series: random (though admittedly intriguing) references to ancient mysteries and symbols, inconsistently drawn characters, and dialogue that strains to be more "adult."

However, there's still one issue left. There's still a chance Jeff will tie all of the loose ends together as he did splendidly in the first story arc of BONE, rendering RASL pretty awesome.

One can hope.

John Carter of Mars

Jamie and I went to see Disney's John Carter on Tuesday night. Despite poor reviews, a rating on Rotten Tomatoes settling around 50%, and abismal marketing, I had hoped the movie would be some sort of awesome, seeing as it was directed by Andrew Stanton (Finding Nemo, Wall-E) and co-written by Michael Chabon. As John Struan, the blogger from Super Punch, points out - the movie contains action sequences, plot points, and set pieces almost identical to elements from the first two Star Wars prequels, but in the space of a single film rather than two. Perhaps it is a little sad that this story, which served as inspiration for science fiction novels and films from Dune to Star Wars to Avatar, comes across as derivative of those works. However, it a few key differences which make John Carter worth watching. Though the film suffers from occasional expositional troubles, Taylor Kitsch's silly growl, and scenes in which the "red men" of Mars work through dull political intrigue, the film succeeds in its light-hearted tone, satisfyingly gratuitous violence, and representation of the Tharks. Bryan Cranston makes an entertaining appearance as Colonel Powell and Willem Dafoe lends Tars Tarkas the tragic nobility of a pulpy King Lear. The implausibility of John Carter's situation and newfound powers are playfully mocked and the movie makes light of the various narrative conceits (treated with such reverence in other sci-fi). Finally, one of the best reasons to see the film is the Tharks, an effective antidote to anyone turned off by cloying representations of the alien-other/noble-savage (i.e. James Cameron's Na'vi). These aliens have a culture which is superficially frightening and inhuman in the eyes of John Carter but their "savagery" is presented as anthropologically necessary and reasonable, their nobility deriving from their very lack of sentimentality. The Tharks are more akin to the Fremen in their deep understanding of their own planet than they are to the ecological sentimentality of the Na'vi. Also, the Martian landscape as Wild West is visually stunning. This aspect of the film made me yearn for a new adaptation of The Martian Chronicles. One final point of interest is the inclusion of Edgar Rice Burroughs as a character in his own story, which was very likely Michael Chabon's invention seeing as he has a proclivity for meta-textual story elements. This aspect of the film, while overdone quite recently (see upcoming Poe-as-action-hero The Raven) works well for the ending of the movie. All in all, John Carter, though misnamed and mismanaged by Disney, is one fantastic failure.

Red Velvet Cheesecake

I have decided to revitalize my food and book blogging. I may drop the names of movies or music here and there, but I've decided to focus back on food. At this point I'm seeing too many movies and I can't write about them all. Food on the other hand... I only eat something other than chick-fil-a and lean cuisine dinners once or twice a week.

Today: Red Velvet Cheesecake. Moist. Velvety. Rich. The picture speaks for itself. It's been on my mind since the first bite went down.

Dangerous Laughter

Finished this one before our trip to San Francisco. I had never heard of Milhauser before, but the blurb on the cover about being by the same author as "Eisenheim the Illusionist" allowed me to talk dad into buying it, he having enjoyed the film The Illusionist so much. The book sat on a shelf for a while until I finally started it after having read the final story from the compilation "The Wizard of West Orange" in Best American Short Stories 2008 and "The Invasion from Outer Space" on The New Yorker website.

So - yes, I loved this book. I want more - I'm so hungry!

Because I am lazy, I'm going to quote and revise the facebook review I wrote about the book:

Millhauser is a master at taking oft to overused genre material and re-instilling it with wonder and philosophical relevance. Reading Millhauser is like taking a long vacation in the twilight zone and never fully returning to reality.

Birthday Cake chez R&J's

Saturday July 31st (evening):

I think the picture says it all this time around - srsly.

Blissful Cuisine at Plum Tree Inn

Tuesday August 3rd (Lunch [with the parents - from here-on-out: the prants - in Chinatown]): I have been falling behind on my blogging, so forgive me as I do my best to play catch-up and recall exactly how these past meals had me feeling once they found their way inside me. Stopping off in LA Chinatown on the way home from San Francisco, we had lunch at this sweet restaurant we'd eaten at twice before called Plum Tree Inn. The food is well-worth the waiter's insistence on calling you "boy", as in: "and what would the boy like to drink?". To be fair, we didn't have that waiter again this time, but I could see him serving other tables and I looked quickly away whenever he passed by. So we ordered the corn soup, "Shrimp with Honey Walnut", lemon chicken and snow peas with water chestnuts. Everything was delicious. I feel it's important to point out that the walnut shrip is different from other walnut shrimp dishes because it is simply glazed in honey instead of being drenched in a sweet mayonaise sauce. Not that this makes it superior - any walnut shrimp qualifies as my favorite Chinese dish, but this one is simply unique. Everything else is pretty much what you'd expect from a Chinese restaurant however, and this is a good thing.

Ice Cream Swan on The Lido Deck

Wednesday June 24th (lunchish [my birthday]): Of all the amazing things to eat on a Carnival Cruise, the ice cream swan may be among the most deceptive. Despite looking like an oversized cream puff drizzled with strawberry syrup, the truth of the matter is that the ice cream swan is plain old vanilla ice cream with tough pastry bread-stuff tacked on. Do yourself a favor and eat the ice cream swan with your eyes only, and then go get another soft serve cone.

Huevos Rancheros at The Good Egg

Friday July 17th (breakfast [with Mom and Dad]): I ordered the Huevos Rancheros (per usual) with spicy chorizo at The Good Egg. I was almost tempted to order the Cinnamon Apple Crunch Crepes, but I gave up and got what I always do. I first ordered Huevos Rancheros at TGE because of the reference to it in Rob's poem "A Fine Mist" - a fistful of huevos rancheros. I didn't necessarily expect to like it so much. I always order the eggs scrambled and then make my little tortillas into an enchillada shaped thingy before stuffing it in my mouth. Then I just eat the leftovers by themselves. Today, the chorizo seemed much spicier than it has been past times I've ordered this.

Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said

I finished this book earlier this week: a 1974 science fiction novel by Philip K. Dick, Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said is about a genetically enhanced pop singer and television star who loses his identity overnight. The story is set in a futuristic dystopia, where America has become a police state after a Second Civil War. The novel was awarded first prize in the John W. Campbell Awards for the best science fiction novel of the year in 1975. It was also nominated for a Nebula Award in 1974 and a Hugo Award in 1975. (Wikipedia).

The drug-induced alternate-reality explanation for Jason Taverner's identity loss was, for me, convoluted and unsatisfactory. However, the novel is quite poignant in its meditation on love through the experiences of Police General Buckman. Dick also does a nice job of creating a unique dystopia, as always, but Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and Man In the High Castle do it better.

Ham and Brie Panini in Sedona

Wednesday July 15th (lunch [with Jamie]): I ordered the Ham and Brie Panini with french fries, but I don't remember the name of the restaurant. The sandwich also had apples on it. I'm not sure the apples and the brie tasted that great together, but I suppose the chef knows best. The place wasn't really that fancy - you order at the register, and wait to pick up your food at the counter then go sit down - but there was a fantastic view, and the food itself was quality-looking fare (this is Sedona we're talking about), so it was around $10 per plate. The french fries were scrumdiddliumptious tho! They were like Arby's curly fries, but they weren't curly and didn't quite have that slight kick Arby's fries have.

Nutella Crepes at IHOP

Tuesday July 14th (evening [with Mom and Dad]): I ordered the International Crepe meal with the Nutella Crepes at IHOP. There were three crepes, filled with chocolate-hazelnut Nutella brand spread, and topped with strawberries in syrup. On a separate dish were two eggs (over-easy), two bacon strips, and hash browns substituted for the two sausage links. I actually had the exact same thing only a couple days earlier at IHOP for breakfast when Aunt Becky was treating, but I couldn't help getting them a second time.